Take a Chance on Every Breath

there are very few things i’m going to miss about my freshman year…but track is definitely one of them. i’m not going to miss the evil coach, or the exhausting workouts, but being on the team was seriously so great. it seems like it just started, i can’t believe it’s over after this week. next year definitely won’t be as fun, i’m going to miss all the seniors way too much. at least i made some great memories last thursday night<3

it always seems that you don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. it shouldn’t take a tragic loss like this to realize how important certain people are to you. i can’t say i was close with Megan, or even that i knew her well. the most time i’ve spent with her was at past family reunions while she hungout with brandon and austin, and i just sat in the back. but it doesn’t change the fact that you never know which day is going to be your last. nothing crazy or unusual happened, just one of those tragic car accidents that happens everyday. i’m not saying it isn’t a big deal, i’m just saying it could have been any one of us. it’s terrifying to know that it could have been me, or nicki, or brand or dylan. it could have even been austin or tyler. i honestly don’t think i could make it through the rest of my life without them, so i can’t even begin to imagine how alex and emma must be feeling right now. my eyes have finally been opened enough to see that i need to treat every day like it’s my last, and let the people in my life know how much they mean to me. you never know what your last words to somebody will be.

truth is i’m scared that maybe you do finally feel the way i do and by the time i come back you won’t feel that way anymore

truth is i refuse to watch the flyers even if they are doing well. i’m not into hockey. 

truth is someday i’m going to attend clemson, and i’m going to prove all of you fuckers wrong. 

truth is i don’t understand how anyone couldn’t love one direction. they’re perfect.

truth is everything i do reminds me of you

truth is i miss you more every day :(

truth is i’m sick and tired of people trying to understand my life, you won’t understand shit until you’ve lived through what i’ve lived through.

truth is everything is greater in the south

truth is jealousy isn’t a good look on you

truth is get over yourself. you have to cling to guys because you can’t get them to  cling to you, no matter how hard you try. 

truth is i’ll let you judge me and my emotions and my way of coping with things right after you’ve lived my life for at least a week.

truth is i’d rather be in south carolina

truth is i’m terrified that everyone is going to be wrong, and this whole thing was just a joke

truth is if it all was a joke, shit is going to get real awkward

truth is i can’t wait to cut my parents out of my life completely.

truth is all i want out of life is to graduate from clemson, marry a southern boy and live close enough to my cousins and my sister that we can all still still see each other at least once a week.

i don’t even know where to start with this. i guess i could start with how much i miss cush even though i haven’t even left the state yet. Usually i’ll be around him for a few days, and those feelings that i have for him always come back, and then about a week or two after i leave they’re gone again. For some odd reason i have a feeling this time is going to be different. i don’t know what made this time any different from the others, but i fell too hard way too fast. i’m trying not to get my hopes up with this whole “dating” thing because i’m sure there’s a very small chance cush is being serious about it. it seems like everyone thinks he’s serious, but with my luck i’ll convince myself he is serious and then i’ll find out he was only joking. apparently it’s obvious that i like him, so i really don’t want to be the one to have to ask him if he likes me. i put my faith in dylan, since he thinks that cush likes me and is being serious, so now i just have to wait for dylan to ask cush. all i’ve wanted for the last 2 years is a chance with cush…i really hope he’s not just playing with my feelings. anyway, i’m just going to try to finish out the last two months of school as fast as i can so i can get back here and see everyone again. i don’t know how i’ll get back here, since my mom refuses to pay for me to come back again. 12. i’ll figure it out.

okay, so I guess it used to be obvious that I loved Cush. but I think I’ve done a pretty decent job of not making it obvious for a while now… apparently I’m wrong. well, thats according to nicki. i don’t know of this is all just a joke, or if it’s a way of telling me that Cush likes me. or, the worst one of all. Cush might know everything and he feels bad so he’s joking around pretending to be my boyfriend just so I feel better about myself. I don’t know. o really hope it’s not that, that would be a major dick move… whatevs, I guess none of it matters right now. I’ll never have a chance with him if I don’t live here, and I’m also leaving Monday. I wish I would have known I wasn’t going to see cush again after we ran into him at the movies. I need summer now :(

i would write this in my actual diary but of course i didn’t bring it… anyway. tonight was just another great night with the greatest guys on the planet. i love getting to see cush every time i come back :) of course the whole “if i land this back flip you have to date me” thing was a joke, but i guess i’m okay with that. well i’m not okay with it but i’d rather fake being in a relationship with him than not be in one at all. i wish he was serious more than anything… it sucks that i fall in love with him all over again every time i see him, but he will either never feel the same way, or he does feel the same way he just hides it by joking around about it. i don’t know. there’s no chance of anything unless i move here, which fucking sucks. i guess brandon austin and dylan set up their own campground in the woods in their backyard, so of course everyone wanted me to get in the eno even though they terrify me. eventually i just gave in and got in cush’s eno, and even though his flirting never means anything and our “relationship” is a joke it’s still fun. eventually brandon/austin/cush’s other friends showed up and it started pouring, so i jumped out, put brandon’s boots on and tried to sprint back to the house. somehow i managed to cut my leg on something. of course every time i see cush i end up looking absolutely terrible. i was soaked and felt so gross so i decided to come home :( i should have just stayed, hanging out with them is so much fun. but my phone died too so it’s whatever. i really hope we have a family game night tomorrow and i REALLY hope cush will be there. well i at least hope i get to see him again before i leave.

44 days until spring break

113 days until summer. 

let the countdown begin!